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This is a message from cookie, Your mission Mr. Drew, if u choose to acceptet, is to play hide the hamster with a baby oil coverd mario. This message, if it has not, will turn into Mrs. Vezzeti's hairy, scarred filled, left nipple in 5 seconds.

Hellow shawna man! it me cookie, hee he he, im just writing to remind u that next thursday the 30th will be my 21st b-day! i am planning to organize a humongous orgy in order to celebrate, yup, im gona have all the trimmings; models, enuchs, and them sheep u seemm to love so much. I've bbeen playing lots and lost of Final fantasy 7, got real far, but erased my files accidentally when i wrote over them a season of madden 98. B-) that's me in my glasses smiling. I hope u write to me on my bday, and i hope i will get really drunk and wake up in motel outside of town with my asshole full of vaseline and white sticky stuff........i mean uhh, hook up with carmen elktra and make her beg me to stop......uhh picking my toes clean. well, gotz to go, gotz to go, hasta la bye bye!!!

Date: Fri, 23 May 1997 01:56:12 -0400

Shawn i've heard jamiroquai is getting big over there now, Bass player maganzine had a headline article about stuart zender, and their gona be on connan o'brian and jay leno this month, isn't that kewl, god bless mtv for finally puting on some decent music.

Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 00:12:08 -0400

Hey Shawna man, it be ur blood, Snoop Cookie Cook, what be up, is u kicking it with finals? i be just dome with them ho's, so ill porbably be going home by next week, wich is kewl beanies, so, ill be writing to u to tell u the date, see if i can see u all in browntown, if not, ill try to go up to A&M to see ur fucked up monkey loving ass, well, write soon, ill also be on the net a lot now, at nights usually after 11 on dal net, dcc me as StingerC or look me up in #Teens, where ill be corrupting america's youth. ok, love and kisses, and big wet sloppy one for u gay lover Ed "No! You are SO wrong, you have it totaly worong, water is not transpatent!" Cavazos, write soon, laters

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 23:08:50 -0500

Hey nice to hear from ya, write back, and to Humbie, you's going down son, that burrito eating title is gona me mine again, this one is gona be called the burrita in manita, is gona be big and im gona eat 2 super monster burritos, with god as my witness, i will.

Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 00:02:03 -0400

From: Afredo Norberto <StingerC@ienlaces.com.mx>

To: Zodiak <Zodiak@airmail.net>

Hey sweetcakes, how's your left nut hanging? mine's a little to the right. Hey guess what? I finished final yestarday, and got an A ont the Philosphy final, it wuz a bitch, but i slapped her like 3 dollar whore. So i am now qualified to awnser any deep philosophical thougghts such as "why are nipples called nipples?" or "How come every time some one mentions Billy Corgan i only think of killing" and my personal favorite "If science can make tits look like Pam Anderson's or Demmie Moore's, is there really a god, and if he really exists why doesn't he make all tits look like those?" Well what i wuz really writing about is tha since i be done, i will be going to our quiet little corner of hell called Brown city, where the grass is green and the girls like Selena, oh please don't take me home, so, i'll keep in touch and see if i can saw u there or maybe go to dallas and kick it with ya there, ok, so ill write to u to give u the exact date ill be there, and remember only you can keep monkeyboy from fucking pillows! Hasta la gaver, so long, dream of me and Mila Jovovich(chick from the 5th element, which by the way is really far out and grovalicous, i loved it, best film Bruce Willis has made since 12 monkeys) with a tub full of vaseline, a midget with a camcorder, a donkey, and the 7th grade girls choir. Well beat that HA! Ok, laters tubby, ill be talking with ya! ill be on the net and on Dal net most times under StingerC usually at night, so DCC or look for me in #Teens molesting young inocet girls with lines like "Hey baby, wana wrestle?" or "hey sweety, wana, play gynocologist?" Well hope to hear from u soon. laters.

DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE. =======================

1) After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

2) How can there be self-help groups?

3) If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

4) If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

5) If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

6) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7) Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

8) Is there another word for synonym?

9) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

10) Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

11) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

12) When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

13) When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

14) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

15) Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

16) Why do they report power outages on TV?

17) Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

___________________________________

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?" The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?" The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.." and the father just slams the door on him.

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Well, maybe but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??" The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?" The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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A lawyer died, went to Heaven and was checking in at the Pearly Gates at the same time as the Pope. St. Peter was showing them their apartments. He took the Pope first and his apartment was very sparse and bare. The lawyer began to worry because the Pope had been a really good man and the lawyer had been the exact opposite. St. Peter then took the lawyer to his apartment and he was amazed because his was fabulous. It had everything anyone could expect out of Heaven. The lawyer asked St. Peter why he had such a nice apartment when the Pope's was so sparse. St. Peter replied, "We've got lots of popes up here but you're the first lawyer we've ever seen."

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Engineer jab.

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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At the Golden Saloon. =================

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

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A salesman for a new firm had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.

At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something.

So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"

She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for "Midwest American Sexual Response Association."

"Keynote huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"

"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all. One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group, they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down South because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time. And by the way, my name's Wanda. What's yours?"

"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weisenberg, but all my friends back home just call me Bubba."

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On reaching his plane seat, a man is suprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow." The Stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and for gets the coffee. When this ommission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains it's glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch." Quite upset the girl come back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll give you a slap!!" Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard.."

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Secretaries

The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-storey office. His voluptuous private sectretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculi arly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I recieved a $20 raise.

At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'

" At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost. "

" I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

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Recently AOL started putting up a message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure you are really there and active.

1 You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.

2 You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?

3 You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4 OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep, Finally

5 You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?

6 You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ?

7 You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?

8 You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord....

9 You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???"

10 You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.

11 You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. No get the H*ll off before we go broke!

12 You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign on m'self and answer some mail. Could you please sign off? Thanks!

13 You have been cybering for 1059 minutes, didn't your mom ever tell you that'd make you go blind? Please sign off now while you can still read this message.

14 You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? Geez click ok already!!!

15 You have been on 1151 minutes, welcome to our team... see job application enclosed. ( if you can't beat em hire em ) but don't return by email.

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Feminist jokes.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

What do men and tiles have in common? Once they're laid you can walk all over them.

What do men and parking spaces have in common? The good ones are always taken and the ones left over are always handicapped.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.

Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? We don't know, it has never happened.

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50? Gifted.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.

How does a man have a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

How do stop a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? He's breathing.

What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half an hour of begging.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to mary virgins? They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

If men had menstrual periods.... Tampons and pads would be available at drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.

Why do men like to masturbate? Because it is sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: Well, you wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said,"where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swellin down.

Why do men always have stupid looks on their faces? Because they are stupid.

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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford & Buck, 2 country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So, they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out, she hurls all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."